Bad Choice
by dragoon811
Summary: When the God of Sex decides he wants to retire, Severus Snape is probably not the best choice - but he's the only one.


Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or make any money from writing this purely for my own amusement. Nor do I own the show Sherlock, because I may have totally used it as a bit of an influence around 26.9k words.

Author's note: Damn you, I M Sterling. I did NOT need to write a crackfic. Again, we've ended up prompting each other with what we've termed the "Severus the Sex God Challenge" with a basic guideline and have run crazy. Hers should be up in a bit, and omg you guys, it's so good. (It's eerie how much we have in common, too, without even discussing it beyond the basics).

Basically.. it's a smutty funny romp. Enjoy. (And yes. Smutty.)

* * *

**Bad Choice**

"_That's_ him?" the first woman whispered, looking rather appalled.

The second looked at the paper clipping she held, the moving picture trying its best to glare at her. "Definitely him."

"But he's..." She gestured at the sleeping man. "You know."

"So? He's what's hot right now," replied the third woman. "He's also the only one."

"But... ugh! He's so scrawny... and look at that _nose_!"

"Shush!" the fourth whispered harshly. "Don't wake him until we get him there."

"Sorry," chorused the other three.

"Besides," muttered the second. "You know what they say about men with big noses..."

The fifth rolled her eyes and they surrounded the man's narrow bed, joining hands, humming softly, the sound swelling and filling the stone-walled dungeon chamber until it faded away, replaced with soft light and fluffy clouds.

It was the light that woke him – well, perhaps he wasn't awake. Severus frowned, taking in his surroundings – the pale golden light, the green vines wrapped around tall white columns reaching up to a blue sky.

"Dreaming," he muttered, as he realised he didn't have his wand – he never had his wand in dreams. Feminine laughter came from behind him, and he turned to see five women clad in pastel robes that fell softly about their curving bodies. "Well, at least it's not a nightmare for once."

"Come this way," said one, offering him her arm. Her voice was soft, musical, and he cautiously accepted.

"Welcome," murmured another of the women, smiling at him charmingly. "It's lovely to see you, Severus."

"Definitely dreaming," he said, following the women. The floors under his bare feet were marble, but lacked the coolness of such stone. They led him to a bower of flowers by a calming fountain, offering him various delicacies. He shrugged mentally – who was he to complain that fate had finally handed him a dream, rather than nightmares and fantasies? He certainly didn't fantasize about nymph-like women brushing his greasy hair.

Selecting a rather tempting-looking goblet of something reddish, he tipped it back, missing their almost anticipatory looks. Too late, he realised his mistake. Dreams didn't have taste. Sensations, yes, but not the thick, honeyed taste on his tongue, beyond anything he'd ever had the pleasure of tasting. It was like youth, crisp and clean and as cloying as sweet wine. It choked him briefly, singing through his body until his fingers trembled.

"It worked," breathed the first woman, the one who'd offered her arm. She shrieked with glee. "It worked! Call them!"

Another woman clapped her hands giddily and sped off.

"What the _fuck_ was that?" Severus growled menacingly. His body still tingled. He rose to his feet, towering over her with a snarl.

"Ambrosia, of course," came the booming reply from behind him. He was suddenly wrapped in muscular arms in the most bone-crushing hug he'd had the misfortune of having inflicted upon him. "Welcome to the family, my boy!"

Severus had other ideas and wriggled free with surprising agility – he'd done it several times as a child – and drew back, panting. The newcomer – rather, the one who had embraced him, as there were several men and women behind him – looked peculiarly familiar.

"He doesn't recognise you," taunted a pinch-faced woman from behind him. She wore a strange white gown, close to a toga, and her hair was elaborately done with peacock feathers for adornment.

"Sure he does," replied the first man. His muscles rippled and as he adjusted his own robes, Severus caught sight of the lightning bolt pattern done in gold on the hem. A wary glance behind the two showed more men and women in similar robes, some in various armor.

A sinking suspicion wound its way into his gut, and he wished fervently for his wand.

"He knows," another woman said, striding forward. Her curls bounced against her gleaming gold chest plate, and she carried a spear. "As you've deduced, Severus Snape, welcome to Olympus."

"Take me back," he spat, crossing his arms over his chest and glaring at them.

Zeus looked at Hera sulkily. "I told you he'd be difficult."

"He's the only candidate, so it must be him," she replied haughtily. For a goddess, she looked quite unhappy. Then again, Severus supposed, if he had a spouse who cheated on him with anything that moved he'd be rather bloody unhappy as well.

"Candidate for _what_, precisely?"

"My son's job," said another goddess. Her gold hair tumbled down, and she was stunning – sweet, kissable curves under an almost-sheer pink robe. "Goodness. _Please_ don't tell me you wear that ugly grey nightshirt all the time and this was a...special occasion."

Severus scowled.

"Oh, dear. Well, that won't do, and, really, that mortal baby-in-a-diaper thing is so passe..." she snapped her fingers, golden bangles jingling, and Severus made a noise he'd never admit to making even under torture. "Oh, that is much better."

The muscle under his eye twitched. There was no way in _hell_ this was happening. "Explain. Now."

The tone that had sent full-grown witches and wizards scurrying to do his bidding served only to amuse the garishly-dressed pantheon before him.

"Oh, I like him" Athena murmured.

"Virgin," Aphrodite said in a sing-song tone, then batted her eyes innocently at the other goddess.

"Perhaps we had best explain," said another male. With the pallor of his skin, so close to Severus's own, and the good taste to wear _black_, the man could only be Hades.

"Oh, really. I'm so glad to hear that the obvious has finally penetrated your daft little minds," he said scathingly. He wanted his wand. He'd happily go down in history as the wizard who hexed the Greek gods.

Hades sent him a dry look. "Indeed. Have a seat, Severus."

Looking down at his attire, at the golden sandals criss-crossing his scrawny legs and the sodding _pink and white _skirt he'd been forced into, revealing his pale, scarred chest with its smattering of black hair, he sneered. "I'll remaining standing."

"Very well," Hera sighed. "Have it your way, you stubborn man."

"My son needs to retire," Aphrodite said, looking rather bored. "Something about being tired of chasing down couples to make them rut while dealing with his own wife and changing the babies resulting of their copious unions -"

"Long story short," Athena interrupted, "Cupid quits. And our laws maintain that he needs to have a descendant take the job. We decided that we'd needed someone declared a god in certain areas, but he'd need to be single. Too distracted, otherwise."

"I'm not a god," was the first thing out of his mouth. Shock colored his smooth voice.

"Well, your paper says differently," Aries said.

"I don't read that rag."

"Well," Zeus boomed. "Apparently you're a sex god, according to the women of your world. Congratulations!"

"I don't sleep with them!" Severus was enraged. He'd sue the Prophet for slander – libel – whatever as soon as he returned to Hogwarts.

"Exactly! Perfect candidate! You actually turn down the women! Cupid's never been able to do that."

"Neither have you," Hera interjected snidely, earning herself a glare.

"Also, you passed the ambrosia test," Athena told him congenially. "It didn't kill you, and now you're immortal."

"You gave me something, unsure if whether or not it would kill me." He repeated flatly.

"Well, yes. It would have been a tragic moment if you'd died, but really, it'd just be a bit of setback," Aphrodite replied blithely, adjusting her curls and bosom. She beamed at him. "Welcome to godhood!"

The nymphs who'd brought him to this awful placed clapped, and he glared at them. They subsided, and he turned back to the gods with a growl. "I don't meet your criteria."

"Of course you do!" Zeus was far too jovial about the whole thing. "It's obviously quite a ways back, but one of your ancestors on your father's side is descended from Cupid. You did know you were of Greek blood, didn't you?"

"I did realise it from the hair and the nose," Severus said drily.

"Good, good!" The Father of the Gods was worse than the stories, for he was leering at the women behind Severus, unable to maintain focus. "Your own people have declared your prowess, you keep rejecting them, _and_ you're single. Unattached. Unwed. It's perfect."

"I am an awful choice for a – a- _sex god_," he spat, lacking the ability to say it with out stammering. "And I certainly don't want to be a petty little god!"

"Says the man who's held a grudge against certain children for how many years now?" Aphrodite mocked. "You're as 'petty' as the rest of us. All you have to do is exist and people will happily screw each other's brains out, with only the occasional need for you to actually show up and get things going. This is your new gig, so suck it up."

Severus gave her calculating look, then smirked and gestured with his fingers. He'd just have to treasure the shrieks as her bloody hair fell out, because he was fairly certain that once she recovered that the bint would take revenge. But for now...well, the laughter of the _other _gods allowed him to make a get away.

He had to get out of this.

* * *

Travel as a god was surprisingly easy – no need to Apparate, just step forward and there you were – and his knee didn't creak anymore as he crossed his room to the wardrobe, only to find that _all_ of his clothing had been changed to the damn skirt-thing. _Fucking bitch. _Scowling, Severus at least managed to change the skirts and the sandals to black, including the one he wore.

"Fantastic," he muttered dejectedly. "Now I look more like a debauched dungeon master than a fucking fairy."

Still, it wasn't _too_ bad, he supposed. The gold armband on his upper arm was at least tasteful, even if it did only manage to emphasize how thin he was. Merlin's knob, didn't they realise that there were better candidates for this shite than him?

He was old. Scrawny. Pale. Scarred. Greasy-haired and bad – teeth? Oh, bloody hell, that damn ambrosia had fixed his teeth. Well, they were still crooked, just not yellowed any more from the years of neglect, followed by too much tea and coffee.

"Damn it," he hissed venomously. If he'd wanted to fix his teeth he could have done so at any time with magic. Granted, he _felt_ stronger, but still. This was daft. He was still wiry, and hardly _anyone's_ bloody idea of a sex god.

He very well couldn't teach a class like this – he'd have to pen a note to Minerva (oh, how he scoffed at her name now) and feign illness or something. Perhaps he'd tell her he was knackered from something new and that he was liable to give every single one of her precious Quidditch players detention until the end of the year if he taught.

...Viable. She was obsessed enough with the sport to allow him a reprieve. Merlin knew the whinging brats wouldn't complain if the Potions Master didn't show up to work. For that matter, he should send the letter _after_ his first class, and set monitoring charms on the classroom. It would be amusing to know if the class showed up and waited the entire time, wary of his ire.

Very well. Letter first. Then he'd go see Lucius. There had to be a way out of this, and his friend was one of the slipperiest bastards he knew.

* * *

"The one time I actually want you to be in your office and you're out here," Severus complained, his cloak swallowing his figure as he strode across the grass.

"Yes, well, it was a pleasant day. Quite rare for September." Lucius settled back on the the grass by the reflecting pool with a negligent wave beside him. "Do sit down. Take your cloak off."

"Get up." Severus nudged the other man's boot with hit foot. "I need your help."

Lucius opened one gray eye to look up at him and sighed. "Severus, I _was_ enjoying myself. A little less doom and gloom, if you don't mind."

With a snarl, he blocked the sun, crossing his arms firmly over his chest. "_Now_, Lucius."

"What is so bloody important that you cannot even go through the niceties of humoring me?" the blond groused as he sat up. "Fine. What do you need help with, dear friend of mine?"

"I need to get out of something."

"Merlin. Don't tell me you finally snapped and murdered some hapless student?"

"Worse. I've been forced into a new role."

"They're not making you headmaster again, are they? Really, you would be quite good at it, Severus."

"_Worse,"_ he ground out. "Apparently I'm descended from some arse of a Greek god who couldn't keep it in his pants."

"Zeus?"

"No."

"Aries? I mean, he _did_ have that fling with Aphrodite. Wasn't she married to the ugly one? What was his name? Hephaestus?"

Severus glared.

"Hades? I mean, he did have that dark and brooding thing."

"Cupid. And I swear if you laugh, I'll hex you."

"Cupid." Lucius stared at him, dumbstruck, then the corners of his lips twitched. "My, my. Aren't you lucky. And this creates a problem...how? You _are_ all the rage with the women right now. Haven't you read the Prophet? Or Witch Weekly? Or the Quibbler? Or - "

"_Lucius!_" Severus snapped. "Apparently Cupid wants to retire."

"Are you serious? Why the devil would the _god of sex _retire?"

"The more pressing question is...why would they choose _me_ to replace him?"

"Oh. Oh, my." Lucius smirked widely. "Severus, how much Ogden's have you had? I haven't seen you this incoherent since the Granger girl split from that Weasley and you were proclaiming your undying love and adoration for her."

Severus winced. He'd been drunk, yes, but Lucius hadn't seemed to have noticed yet that Severus was an honest drunk and had been entirely serious about his feelings for the girl. Woman. _Damn it, back on topic..._ With a sigh, he removed the cloak.

He'd never seen someone laugh quite so hard as Lucius did. He'd also never seen his friend so completely undone by laughter that he bloody _cried_. Really, he was surprised the blond didn't wet himself at the way he was carrying on.

"You're not helping," Severus told him drily when the other man had finally calmed.

"Have you _seen _yourself? "

"Unfortunately. I assure you the sartorial choices were not mine."

"Obviously the color was."

Conceding the point with an incline of his head, Severus sighed. "I want to get out of this."

Lucius's eyes widened. "You can't be _serious_. Severus, you're the god of _sex_! You could have any woman you wanted! I mean, haven't they all been throwing themselves at you when you leave the school as it is?"

Scowling at his friend, he shook his head. "You know full well that I consider those women to be air-headed or attention-seeking whores, Lucius. Further, I would find using any sort of godly powers on a woman akin to _rape_."

He sobered. "Ah. And neither of us have ever found that particularly tasteful. It's a wonder that the papers didn't pick up on you feigning impotency and then none of those women would want you."

With a snort, Severus sat on the grass. "Indeed. I've been chosen _because_ those puerile papers called me a ruddy sex god, my ancestry, and because I'm _single_, of all things."

Lucius guffawed. "Really, Severus? Just find a girl. Once you're not single, perhaps they'd demote you."

Narrowing his eyes, Severus glared at him. "It is not that simple, and you know it."

"Ah yes, you pine for Miss Granger," Lucius mocked, hand pressed to his heart.

"And you pine for yourself, you arrogant little peacock," Severus snarled, surprising Lucius with the venom in his voice.

"...You're _serious_?"

"I'm done talking to you." Severus levered himself to his feet. He wouldn't admit it aloud, but he did enjoy the restoration of his body.

"Severus, really. The Muggleborn Gryffindor girl? Again? She's impossible – keeps coming 'round to bother Draco about something or other..."

"You know, Lucius," Severus said calmly, his anger roiling. "I would have thought you'd know me better than that. It's not because of her similarities to my past. You know, I think you'll enjoy this – look into the pool, _my friend_."

"Oh, a display of your new powers," Lucius replied, easily propping himself on his side to gaze at his reflection. "Oh, yes. Impressive. You _are _a beauty, aren't you? Hello."

Severus crossed his arms over his chest. Really, Lucius was too easy, and this would, hopefully, teach him a lesson. Unfortunately, he'd have to stay, make sure the idiot wouldn't drown himself.

"Let's see what you look like naked," he purred at his own visage, slowly, tantalizingly, removing his clothing. _Damn. I forgot how quickly he goes from cold to a horny bastard. _Briefly, he debated releasing him from the spell, but... well, how often did the chance come for him to get one up on Lucius?

Apparently, Lucius was already "up" and he shucked his trousers and waded into the pool, which came to maybe mid-thigh. "Oh, yes, you _are _gorgeous... look at that cock, you luscious Lucius, you..."

_And I forgot what a narcissistic man he can be_. And he'd forgotten that word around their common room had been that Lucius didn't much care about the gender of his partner, either.

"Mmm, yes," Lucius moaned, his head tipping back, exposing the long line of his throat. "So beautiful, so good..."

Already he was stroking himself firmly, and Severus watched dispassionately as he pleasured himself, thumb rubbing the leaking head and groaning in bliss. Lucius's hips were bucking helplessly into his own hand, sending the water into ripples.

"Oh, fuck, oh, yesssssss," he hissed, body tensing, and Lucius arched back, grunting, as he came...then promptly fell backwards.

Willing the enchantment gone, Severus hauled his dripping (in more ways than one) friend out of the shallow pool.

"You're an idiot," he told him bluntly.

"And you need to get laid," Lucius replied, flopping bonelessly onto the grass. "That was lovely. Didn't know you had voyeuristic tendencies."

"I don't. I didn't want you to drown trying to kiss yourself."

"I'm touched. I didn't know you cared."

"Put your damn clothes on."

"You're the one with godhood, you do it."

"No."

"So how does it work?" Lucius didn't move to dress himself, splayed out naked in the sun. If the lack of tan lines was any indication, he did this regularly and Severus found himself rolling his eyes at the man's vanity.

"I merely have to exist, and people will rut themselves silly. Or wank themselves into a coma, I suppose, in your case."

"A wonderful way to go," Lucius assured him. "Really, you should give Draco a little nudge. I'm tired of the little dance he and his friend have been doing around each other. They need to just fuck and get it over with."

"Don't be crass."

"Don't be a stick in the mud, Severus. Help people out, and try to get _her_ attention."

"Perhaps your little wank has addled what few brains you have."

"Little? I'm offended. I'll have you know I'm quite well-endowed."

Severus gave him a pained look.

"Alright, alright – look. Perhaps you should appeal to the girl for help. She has the thing for underdogs, does she not? And I will deny ever saying this, but she is relatively intelligent and may be able to offer you some assistance."

He pondered it. An excuse to get closer to Granger. Granted, they wrote each other frequently, but he'd always maintained his distance to avoid risking his heart any more than necessary. He knew she only wrote him because they'd struck up the odd friendship during his convalescence, but still, he cherished those memories.

"Perhaps."

Lucius looked smug.

"Get dressed, Lucius."

* * *

Potter. Of all people for Draco to be entertaining, it was _Potter_. It seemed to be a bit more than entertaining, however, judging by the touching knees and the blushes both boys wore.

"Oh, for fuck's sake," Severus huffed. "Potter, where's Granger? I need to speak with her."

"Why do you ask, Uncle?" Draco was the first to recover. "Aren't you supposed to be at the school?"

Severus drew his cloak closer around him. "Indeed. _Granger,_ Draco. Where is she?"

"Upstairs," his godson replied. "In the library."

Potter just gaped at him as he swept past. At the door, Severus paused. "Oh, and Draco...stop dancing about and eye-fucking the boy. Do everyone a favor and just plough his arse already. I'm sure your room is tidy enough for company."

He was mounting the stairs, cautious to not catch his cloak on the bloody sandals to reveal his attire, when both boys thundered past him. Dimly, he registered the door to Draco's room slamming shut with a resounding bang.

Just outside the library, he paused. How was he to go about this? It wasn't the same as dealing with Lucius. He couldn't just walk up, drop the cloak, and explain himself. What would he say, anyway? "Hello, Miss Granger. I've been conscripted to become the new god of sex and I really want out of it." Too trite. "Please marry me and pop out babies." Too likely to get him slapped. Or laughed at.

_Damn it_. Clenching his teeth, he pushed the door open.

"One second, Draco," she murmured with out looking up, her curl-covered back to the door at one of the mahogany tables. "I'm fairly certain I've found the allowance for using – oh! Severus!"

_Aphrodite has nothing on Hermione Granger_, he thought for one wild moment before he wrestled his wayward emotions back. "Hello, Miss Granger."

"Hermione," she said patiently, eyes sparkling. "I keep telling you to call me Hermione. We are...um, friends, aren't we?"

Now she looked worried. Damn it, he was no good at this. "My apologies, Miss – Hermione. I did not mean to remain formal and allow you to misconstrue the situation."

She looked delighted at her name on his lips, pushing her heavy hair back and setting her quill on the stand. "It's alright, you'll get used to it. It's so nice to see you! I thought you'd be at school; if I'd known you would be here today I would have worn something more presentable."

More presentable? The woman was a vision in her scoop-necked top and Muggle jeans and the smudges of ink. She was more than presentable. She looked positively edible with her pink lips and freckles and the faintest hint of a summer tan.

"Your appearance is fine as it is," he managed. Why did she care what she wore around him?

Hermione smiled. "What can I do for you?"

"Ah." Merlin's nipples, he still didn't know what he was going to say. "What do you know about -"

They were interrupted by a hoarse shout, followed by moaning, and she turned to him, wide-eyed and blushing. "Well. Looks like they finally moved past staring at each other longingly."

"I may have said something," he muttered. "I didn't realise they would take it quite so...literally."

"We should probably leave, then," Hermione agreed. "Harry can be quite...vocal. Really disturbing, actually, to hear your best friend mastur-oh, sorry, Severus."

He gave her a dry look, fairly certain that he had a green tinge to his skin. "Where would you recommend?"

"The Burrow?" she offered. "It's been just me around lately, but it's cheaper to insist Molly allow me to contribute to the house than renting a flat."

With a sigh, he agreed.

"Can you Apparate both of us through the wards? Or should we step outside. I'm not keyed to them. Just Harry is." _Well, that explains Potter's excuse for coming along_.

"I can, yes." He had no intention of Apparating, however, and instead waited for her to gather her things and grasp his arm. She frowned at the feel of his arm under the cloak and he cursed at himself – of course she'd notice the lack of his normal coat and shirt and robes... but he didn't give her time to question it and stepped them both forward to the front yard of the Burrow.

"That..." Hermione blinked. "That was the smoothest Apparition I've ever had the pleasure of experiencing."

"Quite." He removed his arm from her grasp and allowed her to lead the way. _Damn it! No privacy here, either_. He nodded curtly. "Molly. Arthur."

They blinked, startled, as he trailed after Hermione up the stairs. This was mortifying. He would wager that the gods were not only watching but also having quite the laugh at his expense.

"I'll just pen a note to Draco, one moment." Hermione was pink again – had the stairs winded her? It had been a few floors. Damn. Should he have been winded?

She bent over the small writing desk, the curve of her arse actually quite enticing. It swayed from side to side as she scribbled, the only sound in the room the scratch of quill on parchment.

"Done, sorry, Severus. I'll borrow Pig and be right back." She nearly bolted from the room and he heard her feet on the stairs.

"_Oh, my god!_ I'm sorry! I am so, so sorry!" He heard her cry, and she reappeared in the room, eyes wide and really quite red. "Oh, god. Oh, god..."

_That's me_, he thought wryly, and instead offered her a single eyebrow.

"Um. Can we..go elsewhere? They're...oh, god, so much ginger hair..." Hermione sank to the ground, looking very pale now. "I never, _ever_, wanted to see that..."

Severus sighed. "There is a cafe near my home that should suffice." _Perhaps I can duck into the house and find more appropriate clothing. I've had quite enough of air around my privates._ "If you have no objection to traveling to an unknown Muggle locale...?"

"I'm safe with you," she replied candidly, Summoning a small purse before allowing him to pull her to her feet. He stepped forward again, dropping her hand almost immediately. "That really is a neat trick."

Hermione looked around curiously, quickly drawn to his shelves.

"Leave the top two shelves alone," he instructed her firmly. "I shall be down in a moment."

"Hmm? Oh, certainly."

It wasn't until he reached the safety of his bedroom that Severus realised he'd accidentally asked her on a date and he fumbled, dropping the undershirt he'd picked out of the drawer. _Oh, Merlin._ Scowling, he bent and retrieved the shirt, then unlaced his sandals, thankful Aphrodite hadn't changed the contents of this wardrobe as well.

_Stop that,_ he admonished himself. _She probably doesn't think it's a date. She doesn't like you that way, so stop making a fool of yourself over a woman_! Angry at the world, himself, the whole bloody situation, he dressed quickly. Trousers, oxford, suit vest, boots, all in unrelieved black. Suitable for a foray to the Muggle world.

Muggle world. _Damn_. He dug in his sock drawer for his bank card. _Good, still in date_. He barely used the thing, seeing as how he did most of his shopping in Diagon Alley or Northern Fair (a mostly-local wizarding farmer's market that remained open year-round thanks to various warming charms). At least he'd be able to purchase her lunch, since he'd clearly done the asking...

He hurried down the steps, and frowned when she looked up from the book. "You're wearing lipstick. You weren't wearing lipstick before."

"I, uh, I refreshed it a bit," Hermione replied, blushing. "I mean, it's one thing to sit in a library, but you said a cafe, so -"

"It was an observation, Hermione. Nothing more." She subsided and followed him out the door and around the corner. Severus was eternally grateful that the small neighborhood had risen in terms of respectability in the past five years. Houses had been knocked down and rebuilt, or had merely been restored. It certainly _looked_ better than he'd ever seen it. "It's just ahead to the left."

They through the park, and he looked rather disgusted at the couples clamoring all over each other. In _public_, no less! At the very least they should have sought a copse of trees or some low bushes, not groping each other's genitalia and shoving tongues into mouths in plain view of the rest of the populace...

The cafe had clearly been built with "quaint charm" in mind, but as it was no where near as garish as Puddifoot's, he swallowed his bile at the pink rose teacups and sat with a scowl.

"This is nice," Hermione offered. "Very homey. Reminds me of my gram's house when I was little."

"I never knew my grandparents," he said stiffly, cracked the menu. This was a bad idea. Why hadn't he just phoned takeaway and kept her at his house?

"I'm sorry," was her automatic reply, and he didn't dare look up to see if the words were genuine.

"Hello, dears," said a kindly voice, and they both looked up at the middle-aged woman with her pen hovering over the order pad. "Can I get you and your date something to start with? Maybe a nice cup of tea?"

_She thinks Hermione's my date_. The thought set his pulse to pounding.

"I'd like tea, whatever you recommend would be lovely, please," Hermione responded with a smile. Severus couldn't hear his own voice saying 'same'.

She hadn't denied being his date.

_She hadn't denied being his date_. He was in trouble.

"Oh, god," Hermione said suddenly, blushing. "Have I just spent too long in our world to find it inappropriate that that couple is, um, well...in public?"

He turned, just to see the young couple at a nearby table groping each others' breasts. "What the devil...?"

A clatter came from the kitchen, and a woman gave a hearty shriek. "Ned! On the prep table? Really?"

Moaning followed, and Severus paled as things began to add up.

"Oh, hell," he muttered. "We're leaving."

He pulled Hermione out of her seat, past the amorous pair by the window, and nearly ran them back to his house. He wasn't even beginning to be short of breath as they raced past the couples in the park – quite inventive, really, he hadn't realised some of those positions were comfortable, let alone _possible_ – but Hermione was panting for air.

"My apologies," he offered, once he'd locked the door.

"It's...okay," she heaved, collapsing onto his sagging couch. "Do you have water, by chance?"

"Of course." Embarrassed beyond belief, he retired to the kitchen. When he returned, she was of a better color, and breathing more normally. "I... apologise, Hermione, for the turn your day has taken."

"It's okay, Severus, really. It's not your fault everyone seems to be, well...having coitus, for lack of a more appropriate word."

"Actually...it is." He sat down heavily in the battered arm chair across from her.

"That's absurd. Unless something you brewed happened to have coated you in lust-inducing pheromones?" Now she looked concerned. "But then...why am I unaffected?"

"Don't be silly, there is no aromatic lust potion," he snapped, rubbing his face tiredly. "Rather, it's connected to why I was asking you for assistance."

"Go on," Hermione said, frowning.

"Thanks to my ancestry, I've been deemed 'worthy' and promoted to Greek godhood," Severus bit out. "Specifically, the god of _sex_. And apparently now wherever I go, people begin _fucking_ each other, and – oh, Merlin's left testicle the first place I went today was Hogwarts. Fuck!"

He jumped to his feet and began pacing. Bloody hell. This was a disaster. He wouldn't be able to keep his job! What would he do for income? A home? How many students were already copulating with each other? Would Minerva be able to stop it?

"Damn, damn, damn!"

"Severus! Calm down!" Hermione rose and placed a hand on his arm. He spun and looked at her with wild eyes. "Good. Now sit, and tell me the whole story."

So he did.

* * *

"So you're stuck with the job, and you're now a-a..."

"A god. Indeed." His head dropped wearily. "This is mortifying."

Someone in one of the next door houses was getting amorous, as cries of pleasure reached their ears. Grimacing, he waved a hand, cloaking the house in silence. "Bugger."

"I think that's the idea," she said, giggling. Then she sobered. "Severus? Can I ask _why_, exactly, you haven't struck up a relationship with anyone? I mean, that seems to be the quickest way out of this."

He was certain he blushed. _Damn. Trust her to pick up on that_. With a sigh, he admitted defeat to himself – he couldn't keep dancing around the subject with her. "I... was a bad choice for this role. The worst. It is extremely ironic that _I_ have been forced into the role of 'god of sex', when I've never, well..."

"Oh." Hermione pinkened, then blinked and blurted: "Wait, _never_?"

He scowled darkly at her.

"Sorry, I just... Christ, Severus! Never? Really?" She seemed so much in dismay. "Oh, hell, I've made a muck of things, haven't I?"

Now Hermione was the one pacing, wringing her hands. Annoyed with her, he rose to block her path. "Make sense. Now."

"Because, you great git, I've been waiting on _you_ to make the first bloody move!" Hermione fisted her hands in the suit vest and dragged his lips down to hers, kissing him soundly.

Oh. Oh, Merlin. He stared down at her in shock, into those lovely brown eyes, unable to say anything.

"Sorry," she managed. "I just... I've wanted you for _ages_, and I'm shite at relationships, just ask Ron and Lav, and I wanted to let you make the first move, and -"

He placed a finger on her lips. "Shut up. You're rambling."

Hermione offered him a lopsided smile. "I actually was going to ask you out at New Year's if you hadn't said anything by then. I thought I was being fairly obvious."

"I have wanted _you_, but you were unattainable," he murmured, touching her cheek. "I never wanted you to leave, and I was never satisfied with your mere correspondence."

Hermione tugged him down for another kiss. "If you destroy this vest, Hermione, I will very displeased with you."

"Then maybe you should show me this black buttflap you get to wear."

An eyebrow arched. "Are you certain that would be something you would want?"

"Severus Snape, I've been saving myself _for_ you because I'm a bloody idiot and no one could compare to you. If you _don't _strip down and let me fulfill a few fantasies at the very least I'm going to be very put out with you." She blushed. "Um. Assuming that you, uh, want to?"

"Merlin, yes," he groaned, kissing her. "For too long... not rushing?"

"No," Hermione panted between kisses. She tugged at the buttons. "Off!"

"I thought you wanted to see my – what did you call it? - buttflap," he teased, feeling rather confident, given the ability to reduce her to a creature of need.

"And you haven't moved to show me," she pointed out.

"Then wait here. Come upstairs in ten minutes." He kissed her once more, lingeringly. Ten minutes would be enough to freshen the bedroom and change his clothes, he was certain. In fact... gestured, allowing his powers to do the work on the room for him while he changed.

It wasn't until he saw himself in the mirror that he had doubts. _Stop that,_ he admonished himself as he attacked his hair with a comb. _She helped care for you – she knows damn well what you look like, that you snore and steal the covers. _

"Safe to come up?"

He exhaled, a calming breath meant to steady his pulse. "Yes."

Hermione peeked around the door frame, her teeth in her lip, but all he could see was the little toga-dress she'd changed into.

"How..?"

"Purse," she breathed, drinking him in. "Good _God_, Severus, you're... well, _sex_ personified..."

He smirked at her, enticed by the way the gauzy fabric grazed the tops of her thighs. "Please tell me you've never worn that ridiculous piece of fluff for anyone else."

"It was floor-length until about four minutes ago."

"Good." He stepped forward, watching the way her eyes traveled up the length of his legs to the skirt. It made him shiver, seeing her eyes grow dark and hungry. He felt _powerful_, and sexy, and desirable. "You are lovely, Hermione."

She smiled at him, and he trailed a finger along the neckline, pleased that she hadn't found it necessary to glamour her scars with him, even the silvered one between her breasts. He could just see it in the dip of her gown, and rather wanted to rip it off her.

"You look," she started, then licked her lips. "Can I... touch you? Please?"

"Please," he whispered, bending his lips to her neck, fastening there, and she made a tiny, glorious little sound that set him aflame. Her hands went to his hair first, cradling him to her as he suckled, determined to leave a mark on her. She whimpered, her hands moving to his neck, his shoulders, his chest...and she flicked his nipples. He released her with a groan. Sweet hell, that felt good. Severus was surprised that he wasn't caught up in need – was this part of being the god of sex? Or was it his age and patience? He'd certainly had enough reactions to her in the past, including one memorable Ministry gala where he'd been forced to wank in the loo... Was it Occlumency? Possible...but he didn't care. He knew he was hard, could feel it brushing against his robes and sending little shivers of pleasure through him. He just didn't...feel _consumed_.

"Back up," Hermione moaned in his ear and he looked at her, confused. "Against the wall. I want to try something..."

Curious, he obliged her, the plaster cool against his skin, and his desire flared as she knelt before him. "I've fantasized about this for ages, Severus..."

"You have?" The words were forced out. The image of her on her knees before him was a powerful one, and he pressed harder against the wall as his knees buckled. Circe help him, she was tracing the lacing of the sandals to his knees, and sliding her hands through the hair on his legs to – he groaned sharply as she found his cock.

"So hard," she marveled. "So smooth and soft..." She squeezed him experimentally and he held his breath – oh, Merlin, she was moving aside the skirt and looking up at him hotly. "God, Severus, your body is amazing..."

She drew out his length, pale and hard in the light of the room. "So beautiful..."

Then she licked him tentatively: he tensed. She licked her lips, looked up at him once more, and slid him into her mouth. Severus made a sound that he would never admit to making. Something high and definitely unmanly at the feel of her hot and wet little mouth wrapped around his cock.

"Good?" She asked around his length as she pulled back.

He nodded helplessly, his hands fisting in the black material to keep it out of her way, entranced by the way her curly head bobbed cautiously. It took too much will-power to not thrust, to not even twitch his hips, and he keened as she flicked her tongue under his head.

"Fuck," he groaned. Fire writhed through his veins, his head thumping against the wall as she did it again. His whole being was centered on what she was doing to him, his thighs trembling and his breath burning in his lungs. Every pull of her mouth made him want to follow her, and when she pressed a hand to his pelvis he realised that he'd been jerking his hips.

"Don't stop, Hermione," he panted, bunching the fabric he held. She hummed a negative along his shaft and he shouted hoarsely, nostrils flaring. Her head was slowly bobbing, drawing out his pleasure, his stomach jumping at the scrape of her teeth. He was torn between asking her to stop and asking her for more. He wanted to please her, to taste her, to explore her... but then she sucked him hard and his eyes clenched shut.

Quick and firm she sucked him, her tongue pressed against that spot under the head of his cock and he was begging her, chanting 'yes' and 'no not yet'. Time slowed, heat spiraling, consuming his thoughts, his balls tightening under her stroking, questing fingers... and then everything went white in pulses of color, his breath leaving him in a whimper of her name.

"Good?" Hermione panted, her lips swollen and his cock still hard and bobbing in front of her.

"Yes," he said harshly, pulling her to her feet to kiss her. He didn't care about the bitter taste in her mouth: it made him want her more, gathering her close to his body. Fingers buried themselves in her hair as her fingers tugged at his skirt.

"You're...still hard," she gasped, dropping the black material on the floor. He released her, but she stopped him. "Leave the sandals. God, you look so sexy..."

He snarled and kissed her again, seeking to disrobe her as well, tossing the flimsy white cloth behind him and guiding her to the bed. They wound up falling with a creak of springs and she scrambled to make room for him to join her.

"Beautiful," he rasped, pressing his length against her leg as he stretched out next to her. Her breasts were perfect to him – then again, it was _her_ he desired, so he very much doubted he would have found her imperfect even if one was significantly lopsided.

Hermione pulled him down for a kiss and he obliged her, pillowing her head with one arm and letting his other hand roam, exploring her breasts. _Soft_, was the word that filtered through his mind as he cupped them, stroked them, squeezed them gently. He toyed with a nipple until she moaned and arched into his touch. _Like that_, he thought, doing it again, swallowing each moan she gave him like an offering.

"Lower," she gasped, and he obliged, trailing fingers down her stomach to the coarse curls there. He loved that she had curls. He'd seen enough illicit materials to find the natural state of her cunt more arousing than any unshaven woman. More mature, to his mind.

"So wet," Severus murmured, opening his eyes to stare into her flushed visage. "So wet, love..."

"Mhmm..." One slim finger prodded her folds, slicked itself with her moisture and began tracing patterns on her clit. "I've...wanted you..Severus...and..._oh, right there_- I've wanted to suck you for so long..."

"Against the wall like that?" he rumbled. She nodded frantically, hips shifting helplessly and he pinned her to the mattress. "Seeing you on your knees before me, your lips around my cock... Do you know what you do to me, Hermione?"

"Yes!" she cried out, trembling, and he left her clit despite her whimper of protest to slide to her entrance.

"Let me stretch you," he crooned. "Prepare you."

"Please," she whispered, baring her throat to him and he kissed her neck, suckled her, left his mark on her flesh. She was so tight around his finger as he moved gently in and out, stretching her. A second finger and she keened, letting him find her hymen and begin to slowly, gently, prepare her, his thumb coming up to stroke her clit once more.

Hermione was glorious in her passion. He pulled back to watch her with glittering eyes, determined to see her shatter under his ministrations. Severus didn't know if his knowledge came from his new powers, his meticulous research, or some carnal instinct, but he didn't care, either.

Glancing down, he quickly compared the girth of his cock and added a third finger. She arched under him as he moved in and out, her body tightening around him. "Harder, please..."

"No," he murmured, instead stroking her clit more firmly as she clung to him with sharp nails. "I want you to find release, Hermione... I want you to _come_. I want you to scream my name and beg me to make you mine..."

"_Please_," she sobbed, her eyes glazing. "Severus, please, I want you..."

His nose nuzzled her breast – awkward at this angle, but he sucked one pointed nipple into his mouth. Hermione keened his name, and begged him to make love to her. _Come for me,_ he thought, power filling him at the knowledge that he made her feel this way, and only him. She was panting, twisting, sobbing...

Taking pity on her, Severus lifted his head and shifted down the bed, removing his hand from her core to spread her, looking upon her flushed sex.

"You're incredible," he murmured, his breath hot. Merlin, she smelled positively edible. "Tell me what you need me to do."

"Please...Severus..." Tentatively, he licked her with the flat of his tongue. Smell..delicious. Taste...more than tolerable, and he licked her again, using the point of his tongue to flick her clit. She cried out, her hands grasping his hair, heedless of the oily feel he knew it had, and he smirked wickedly. She liked that, did she? Well, then she would enjoy this... and he fastened his mouth around her clit and sucked it like he had her breasts.

"_Yes!_" she cried, holding him in place as her legs shook and he managed to slide fingers into her again, all of his blood rushing to his cock and he was light-headed with desire for her. He could feel her tightening more, and then she was calling his name, pulsing and crying out for him to fill her...

Scrambling to his knees, he licked his lips lasciviously, watching her breasts heaving. When her eyes focused, he asked hoarsely: "Are you sure?"

"Yes, damn it!" She lifted her knees. "Please, Severus... I've wanted you too long for you to ask me stupid questions _now!_"

He kissed her firmly and guided himself into place. Merlin, he couldn't believe he was still hard, but the pleasure of his own hand told him he was still aroused and capable of coming to orgasm once more.

"So tight," he panted, watching her beautiful face as he slid in cautiously. "You're so wet, Hermione... Merlin, you feel good, witch..."

She nodded frantically.

"Am I hurting you?"

"No – keep going..."

He surged forward and stopped, his balls pressed against her arse. _Fuck! _Being inside her was...amazing. So good... she gripped him, caressed him... this was better than her mouth or any wank. Hermione lifted her hips impatiently – good, he'd stretched her enough, then – and he slid out before pushing in again.

"Oh, hell," he groaned, dropping his forehead to hers.

"Don't stop, Severus...please... Please, Severus, make me yours..."

"You _are_ mine, witch," he managed, beginning to move and finding a rhythm. She closed her eyes and stroked down his arms to link her hands with his. Hermione made a little gasp as he searched for the proper angle, and he smirked, testing it again. Oh yes, the same sound and she shivered, trembling under him.

"Mine," he told her again. "You're mine now, Hermione. And I'll never let you go..."

"Then you're mine, too," she told him breathily, her eyes fluttering open. "This is... this feels amazing.. More."

Words became lost as he thrust a bit harder, faster, gritting his teeth against the need to come. She was so tight, so silky, so wet as he thrust into her. Merlin, he didn't want this to end, but Hermione was tensing now, a flush spreading from her cheeks to her breast. The way she panted and moaning and whimpered under him as she tried to keep her eyes open to watch him was enthralling.

It was almost hard to move now as she was closer to pleasure, and then she broke apart, sobbing his name, crying out into his room. The way she clenched around made him drop to his elbows, and he plunged into her for his own pleasure, hard and fast, through the ripples and pulses of her orgasm. He was so close, so close to the edge, to flying off the cliff - Then he was soaring, his world, his energy, draining out of him in bursts. He was fairly certain he'd shouted something but couldn't quite capture what.

Slowly, sound and time returned to him, and he realised that the bloody half-moon marks on the backs of his hands were healing, and Hermione was pressing fevered kisses against his neck and chest – anywhere she could reach.

"God," she muttered.

"That's me," he managed weakly, and she laughed tiredly – then screamed.

Old reflex kicked in and he was off the bed with her wand in his hand before he registered that it was his new brothers and sisters in godhood.

"What the _hell_ have you been up to?" Zeus thundered. "Do you know how much cleaning up after you we've had to do?"

"No," Severus said nonchalantly, clothing himself and Hermione with a wave of his hand before he returned her wand. "After this morning's little surprise, I'm not all the inclined to be all too concerned, either."

"Honestly! You're more trouble than – than – ugh!" Aphrodite threw her hands up in dismay.

"So glad to see you managed to repair your hair," Severus drawled.

"You're _supposed _to have stayed on Olympus," Athena admonished him. "We searched for you for a long time before Hades alerted us to the situation on earth."

Something in the curve of Hades's lips made Severus think the delay had been intentional.

"My apologies – you mean there was something more than 'tah-dah, you're a god now, suck it up', followed by bickering planned?" Hermione was wide-eyed behind him, and he kept himself firmly between her and them.

"Yes," Hera hissed, sounding like one of Lucius's birds when they were angry. "You've left a veritable swath of _sex _in your wake – you didn't know to store your power elsewhere, you foolish man!"

"And now you've gone and dallied with a mortal!" Zeus looked particularly pained. Every head swiveled to him. "What?"

"You cannot be serious," Aphrodite looked outraged. "After all the women _you_ slept with?!"

"No – not _just _because she's a mortal," the Father of the Gods protested. "It's because she's a _she_!"

Hermione raised an eyebrow. "So?"

"Mortal maid, have you never wondered _why _I had a child with every woman I fucked?"

"Oh." Hermione's voice was very small.

Severus looked thoughtful. "Well, I suppose I'm fired, then."

Zeus snorted. "We're not letting you off that easily – Cupid had the damn earth copulating at _random_. You, Severus, only inflict your lust on _couples_, or those actually in love. Besides, you can't quit."

"Hey, wait, that's my realm!" Aphrodite tugged on Zeus's arm, pouting prettily, but he wasn't to be swayed.

"It's sex, girl, calm down." He shrugged her off. "So now, we are at an impasse."

"Not really," Hades said smoothly. "Give the girl the test, teach them to control themselves, and let them go on how they will. When they're ready to retire from their mortal lives before it's noticed that they've ceased to age, they can join us."

"No," Severus snarled. "You will _not _endanger her."

"Calm down, you're the god of sex," Hera said sharply.

"Sex can be rough," Hermione said pointedly, unfazed to be sassing a goddess. _My Gryffindor girl_. "Severus, what test?"

"Ambrosia," Athena supplied. "It will either make you immortal, one of us...or it will kill you."

"That's...quite a...well." She sat back on the bed, and he could almost hear her mind working. "I think I'd like to try - I don't particularly care about being a goddess or any such rot, but I don't very much want to see you take Severus away for an immortal life of unhappiness."

Severus's heart swelled. She'd called out words of love during the act, but to have the emotions confirmed when she was in full control of her faculties...Wait. "Hermione... this could kill you."

She gave him a disgruntled look. "Severus, if it's been suggested by mister god-of-the-dead then I highly doubt that it would be the outcome."

Hades's lips twitched in a quickly-suppressed smile. "Give her the test, brother."

Zeus growled, but relented, and Hermione unashamedly pressed a kiss to Severus's cheek before shrugging and tilting the goblet back. She shuddered. "Ugh. Way too sweet, worse than Molly's sugar-cream pie."

Severus released a breath he didn't know he'd been holding.

"Yes. Huzzah. You're one of us. Hooray." Aphrodite waved her hands in the air, bracelets jingling. "Can we go home now? Preferably before his power reaches the entire island?"

"Good point." Athena gave them a firm look. "Come to Olympus – both of you."

They all stepped away, except Hades.

"The school was unaffected," he said casually.

"Thank you," Severus replied.

The other man snorted. "No need – I've had the best laugh in years when you just walked off and they didn't even notice. I look forward to having you around... Hermione, stay out of Hades for ten months or so. Nothing living can grow there. I think I can occupy them for a few moments so you can talk. Be quick."

Then he vanished, too, and Hermione looked at him warily.

"Um..so... we're having a baby?" She said lamely, and Severus threw his head back and laughed. The whole situation was ridiculous.

"It would appear so." He trailed a hand down her arm. "Are you terribly angry?"

She scoffed. "No. Annoyed that I'll have to live forever, maybe, but not angry. Think of all the books I'll get to read!"

"My Hermione." He pressed a kiss to her hand. "My goddess. You will have to wed me, stop the wizarding world from hateful gossip."

"If that's your proposal, you're going to have to have a ring to go with it before I'll say yes, otherwise they _will_ think that I'm marrying you because you got me up the duff."

"Or we could just run off and get married."

She giggled. "Also an idea." Hermione hesitated. "Are you alright with this?"

He tilted his head, considering. "Overall, yes. We can prepare our acquaintances here, and stay in contact with them, look after their families once they're gone." At least he had practise at that, so it wasn't a terribly depressing notion. "We'll have to find some method of birth control, however. I don't much fancy a hoard of children, and if I'm to be the god of sex, I damn well intend to earn my title."

Hermione laughed as she stepped into his open arms and he stepped them both to Olympus – and eternity.

* * *

The end! Hope you enjoyed it. :)


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